


Still

by Remy_Writes5



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Grimmauld Place, M/M, Reconciliation, Self-Hatred, Set during Order of the Phoenix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2015-12-07
Packaged: 2018-05-05 12:49:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5375798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Remy_Writes5/pseuds/Remy_Writes5
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius hates being trapped in his childhood home. Remus attempts to comfort him as much as he can.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Still

            The meeting ended for the day and Remus followed Sirius out into the hallway. Things had been tense between them as neither of one them knew where they stood. It had been over a year since they had spoken. Remus hadn’t been able to get an owl to Sirius while he was on the run. Now they were living together in Sirius’s old childhood home while they planned the orders’ next move.

            “I fucking _hate_ this house, Moony. I hate it,” Sirius growled, slamming his fist into the wall as if trying to make the place crumble down around their ears. “It sets my teeth on edge being back here.”

            “I know, Sirius,” Remus said, patting his arm sympathetically. It was still strange touching Sirius, a shadow of what they used to do to each other. “Just think of how much your mother would hate it being filled with muggle borns and half-bloods and blood traitors.”

            That got a smile onto Sirius’s face, a small glimmer of the man he used to be. The only time Remus ever saw the old Padfood anymore was when Sirius was around Harry. He would light up the way he used to when planning a prank with James. It made Remus ache for the good old days and all the years lost in between then and now.

            “How the House of Black has fallen,” Sirius joked, turning around and leaning his back up against the wall he’d just punched. Remus glanced down and saw the knuckles on Sirius’s hand were bruised.

            “Exactly how many walls have you punched in here?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

            “Not nearly enough,” Sirius answered bitterly.

            Remus sighed and took his wand out. “Episkey,” he said, pointing his wand at Sirius’s hand and watching the bruises disappear.

            “Thanks mate,” Sirius said, smiling softly at him. It didn’t quite reach his eyes. Remus had always considered Sirius’s eyes to be bright and deep brown, like chocolate. Warm and comforting. Now they had taken on a gray, haunted quality.

            “Don’t go punching any more walls, okay?” Remus requested quietly.

            “Why not, I have you to heal me after all,” Sirius teased, moving a bit closer to Remus. “You’re well on your way to being the next Madame Pomfrey.”

            “I’m not that skilled at healing magic,” Remus informed him, putting his wand away. “Just the odd simple spell.”

            “You’ve had enough practice over the years,” Sirius reminded him.

            “Too much potion brewing in being a healer,” Remus said, wrinkling his nose. “I’ll leave that to the potion’s master.”

            ‘That reminds me, where did he get that poncy title anyway?” Sirius asked with a smirk.

            “Probably gave it to himself.”

            Sirius snickered at that. “Can’t believe I have to let that wanker into my house.”

            “He’s helping,” Remus assured him. “He helped me while I was at Hogwarts and he’s helped Harry. Neither of us can ask for more than that.”

            “Sure he helped you at Hogwarts and then immediately tried to get me kissed by the dementors. Hell of a guy.”

            “Sirius,” Remus chided, reaching out and holding his elbow. “We need all the allies we can get. We’re all just doing the best we can.”

            “Yeah, meanwhile I’m stuck here with nothing to do,” Sirius grumbled, crossing his arms and pulling his elbow from Remus’s grip. He looked every bit the petulant, entitled child he’d once been.

            “I could distract you, if you wanted,” Remus offered without thinking. He felt terror run through his veins at his misstep. They’d both been so careful not to mention the past, _their_ past. Remus tried not to think about it most days. They’d both been suspicious of each other back during that first war with Voldemort. Accusations had been thrown and trust had been broken. It still stung a bit to think that Sirius had trusted Peter and not him. But then, Remus hadn’t come to Sirius’s aid when he had been framed, still too hurt by his friends turning away from him. But he hadn’t suffered twelve years in Azkaban and so it didn’t feel like they were on equal footing.

            “Moony,” Sirius started.

            “Just forget it, Pads,” Remus cut him off quickly. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I didn't mean anything by it. Old habits and all that.”

            He turned to go but Sirius’s hand shot out and grabbed his arm. “You really shouldn’t flirt with me unless you plan on following through.”

            Remus turned back to him in surprise. “Sirius?” he called out softly, his eyes questioning.

            “It’s been over thirteen years, Moony, do you really think I’m not gasping for it?” Sirius teased, tugging Remus closer.

           “Is this just about wanting to get off?” Remus breathed out, feeling hope bloom in his chest.

            “It’s about wanting to get off with _you,”_ Sirius answered, pressing their lips together. The feeling was familiar and yet different all at once. Sirius was less cocky and sure of himself as he had been during his youth. He was more tentative and unsure, his lips and tongue searching as if trying to find the answer to a question.

            Remus pressed in closer and tangled his fingers in Sirius’s hair. He opened his mouth and let Sirius in, feeling like his chest was cracking open. He felt like his heart had just barely been beating for the past thirteen years, just enough to keep him alive. Now it was racing so fast it threatened to beat out of him.

            “I’m sorry,” Remus found himself saying over and over, the words muffled by their joined mouths.

            “What on Earth for?” Sirius asked, breaking them apart and staring up at Remus.

            “I should have known you weren’t…” Remus gestured miserably. “I should have known you would never betray Lily and James. You loved them and Harry, you never would have given up the secret. I should have said something. I should have fought for you.”

            “Who would have listened to you?” Sirius asked, placing his hand on the nape of Remus’s neck and playing with the hair.

            “I should have at least _tried,_ ” Remus insisted, burying his face in Sirius’s neck.

            Sirius sighed and pressed a soft kiss to Remus’s temple. “And I should have tried to keep you. We all made mistakes back then. We were terrified and stupid. I’ll forgive you if you can forgive me.”

            “You have a lot more to forgive,” Remus said, pressing a kiss to the base of Sirius’s throat.

            “You’re already forgiven,” Sirius told him. “Now, a lot less talking and a lot less clothes, if you please.”

            Remus laughed. “Sirius, we should probably move to the bedroom, after all, there are children staying here.”

            Sirius grinned. “You honestly think I can keep my hands off you long enough to get upstairs?”

            Remus smirked back at him and tore himself away from Sirius’s grip. With a quick wink, he went bounding towards the stairs, taking them two at a time, heading towards Sirius’s bedroom. He could hear Sirius laughing behind him and chasing after him.

            Sirius caught up with him just as they got to the bedroom door. Remus twisted the handle and they fell into it less than gracefully. As they stumbled into the room, Sirius grabbed Remus and kissed him hungrily. Sirius kicked the door shut and backed Remus up towards the bed.

            Remus was pushed onto the mattress and didn’t even have time to complain before Sirius was scrambling on top of him. He tugged off Remus’s shirt and Remus suddenly felt that it was much too bright in the room. That was the dangerous of afternoon sex. Sirius was momentarily distracted in his quest to get Remus naked when he saw the amount of scars Remus had acquired in the past thirteen years.

            “Moony,” Sirius called out, his voice breaking with emotion.

            Remus averted his gaze self-consciously.

            “Were the full moons bad?” Sirius asked, his fingers tracing the scars.

            “They’re always bad when you’re not there,” Remus told him with a deep sigh. “They’ve been better since Severus has been giving me the potion, but before that they were always terrible.”

            “Ugh, don’t ever mention Snivellius in my room again,” Sirius said, making a face.

            "You're seriously going to say that to me when you've got posters of muggle girls in your room?"

             "Just trying to give Walburga conniptions." 

             Remus couldn’t help smiling a bit at that. He reached up and ran his fingers through Sirius’s dark hair. “I think the wolf was punishing me. He missed you more than I did.”

            “Is that so?” Sirius asked, his eyes glinting with mischief. “Perhaps I’ll wait for the full moon and have sex with him instead.”

            “Yeah right, you didn’t even want to wait long enough to get me upstairs,” Remus reminded him.

            “It’s a fair point,” Sirius conceded, leaning down and capturing Remus’s lips again.

            “I did miss you, you know,” Remus whispered in between kisses. “I just never let myself feel it. The wolf makes me feel everything. I can’t deny my self-loathing when I’m in wolf for.”

            “Moony, you’re not allowed to hate yourself,” Sirius informed him, kissing down his neck.

            “Bit late for that, I’m afraid,” Remus responded solemnly.

            “No, not ever,” Sirius said, his eyes intense as he presses his forehead against Remus’s. Remus was reminded of early mornings in their dormitory after the full moon, curled up on his side while Sirius spooned him from behind. Before his friends had learned to change into animals along with him, he had been lonely and depressed during those full moons. But Sirius was always there in the early mornings when Remus managed to drag himself back, his limbs aching and his scars beginning to heal.

 

            _I hate it, Sirius, I hate it._

_I know._

_I hate_ me. _I hate that I’m_ this.

 

            _You shouldn’t hate yourself, Remus._

_Well I do._

_Well I don’t hate you. I could never hate you._

“Okay,” Remus whispered, staring up at Sirius. He could never deny the man anything. “I won’t hate myself anymore.”

            “Good,” Sirius said, grinning triumphantly. “If you ever feel like you’re beginning to hate yourself again, just remember that I love you.”

            Remus’s breath caught and he stared up at Sirius in shock. “Still?” he murmured.

            Sirius kissed him deeply. “Still,” he confirmed, running his fingers through Moony’s hair. “Can’t help it. I’ve been mad about you since I was twelve. Now, can these heavy conversations please wait until after we’ve thoroughly shagged?”

            Remus laughed and arched up against Sirius. “Then hurry up, love.”

            “You’re the one who keeps stalling things,” Sirius grumbled, tearing open Remus’s trousers.

            “Am not,” Remus shot back, grinning stupidly, the way he always did when he was around Sirius.

            “No more talking,” Sirius growled, kissing Remus roughly. “The only words I want to hear out of your mouth are oh, fuck, yes and Sirius.”

            Remus laughed against Sirius’s lips. He had no idea how he had forgotten this, how happy Sirius could make him. They’d been through hell together and separately, and had somehow managed to come out the other side with just a few scars for their trouble.

            It was difficult keeping up with the whirlwind of Sirius Black after that. His mouth was hot against Remus’s, his fingers making quick work, followed by hard flesh pressed inside. It was as good as it had ever been, Remus should have known that Sirius wouldn’t lose his touch.

            Remus kept to his script of four words. It turned out he didn’t really need anything else. The rest of it lay heavy and unsaid between them but they both knew all the words they were avoiding. They didn’t matter because Sirius was here with him and maybe, just maybe, he still loved him like he said.

            He could hear Sirius mumbling words against his skin, some of them drowned out by his own words and the beating of his own heart. Words like _beautiful_ and _Remus_ and _love_ were etched into his skin as Sirius’s lips imprinted them there, forever his to keep.

            Sirius came first, his hips jerking, as he was clearly pent up and needing the release. Remus went to finish himself off by hand by Sirius batted it away. “You know I always take care of you,” he whispered, lowering himself down.

            Remus’s eyes fluttered closed as he felt Sirius’s lips wrap around his cock. Sirius made a noise and Remus opened his eyes and stared down at him. He should have known Sirius would want his undivided attention while he went down on him. Remus groaned as that mouth sunk lower, gray eyes never leaving his.

            His body went taut and he struggled out a warning as he came. Sirius swallowed and then crawled back up the bed, looking smug and satisfied. “I’d forgotten how you tasted,” he cooed, tangling his limbs up with Remus.

            “Not too terrible, I hope,” Remus joked, knowing full well that semen could be less than appetizing on occasion.

            Sirius hummed and kissed Remus sweetly. “Can’t get enough of you,” he said quietly. Remus stared at the ceiling and hoped that was true.

 

                                                            ***

 

            Remus glanced up as Sirius came padding into the kitchen. He looked better than he had for a while. His eyes were brighter and his smile was wider. Remus felt some small sense of accomplishment, knowing he was helping get Sirius back.

            “What are you doing out of bed?” Sirius asked, walking over and pinching Remus’s bum.

            “Making breakfast,” Remus replied, flipping a piece of bacon after swatting at Sirius’s hand.

            “You’re not leaving, are you?” Sirius asked, pressing in close to Remus and sliding his arms around his middle, as if trying to keep him here by sheer force of will.

            “Nope,” Remus replied, leaning back against Sirius. “No one wants to hire a werewolf and I don’t have any order business.”

            “Good,” Sirius said. His face rubbed against the nape of Remus’s neck. It was so comfortable being there with Sirius, Remus almost forgot they hadn’t always been like this. “Stay with me.”

            “For as long as you’ll want me,” Remus promised. “I’ll be here.”

            They kept their promise for as long as they could. Remus got nine extra months with Sirius Black. It was more than he had ever hoped to have with him. Remus had always felt like they were on borrowed time. It wasn’t enough and it was more than enough. Remus did everything he could not to hate himself for being right there and unable to save Sirius once again. He tried not to hate himself for all the things he'd never told him. He tried not to hate himself for being too much of a coward to follow Sirius the way he wanted. He was meant to stay with him, but he couldn't just yet. In the end, Remus had to wait once more to see Sirius again, promising himself that this time there would be no words left unsaid.


End file.
